If you are still reading, it means that you have realized that you do indeed have a “spirit.” And so it is appropriate for me to take this a step further and suggest that you can never truly answer the question “WHO AM I?” without taking this part of your trinity into account.
In knowing your spirit, which is a necessary step in knowing your “I,” you must remember that its voice is small. It takes a conscious effort to distinguish the “signal” of “spirit” from the “noise” of the constant jackhammer of your loud and fickle “mind.”
Whether you realize it or not, it seems that you have done this to some extent. In your case, I think your “spirit” likely governs what you do with your love. So when we consider your love for your son and your love for windsurfing and other body-oriented adventures, this reflects, I think, the overall influence of your “spirit.”
But there is a more concrete element: “conscience”, the “power of the spirit,” which many, if not most people, ignore or treat with indifference.
“Spirit” can “grow” or not, depending on what you do with it. Of course, one could say that it does not matter. This is the logical consequence of the belief that “I am my body.” The “biomedical model” will always be able to provide an explanation of WHO you are. This is the competence of the so-called “sciences” of “psychology” and “psychiatry.”
You can find mountains of literature on “psychology.” But in the end, if it doesn’t take into account the role of your “spirit,” it is of very limited use for “self-awareness.”
So, I invite you to put the “biomedical model” and “psychology” out of your head and listen to my side of the story, based on experience and what I call the “religious mode of inquiry:” The “religious mode of inquiry” is not in conflict with the “scientific mode of inquiry.” It is an essentially subjective process by which one acquires new knowledge by using subjective metaphors to explain one’s own subjective experience. This is not entirely unlike the way “scientists” acquire new knowledge by using objective metaphors to explain the results of their objective experiments. We might even say that the “religious mode of inquiry” allows us to approach a “science of prayer” that is based on “self-experimentation” with “methods of prayer” and that is at least as “scientific” as “psychology.”
Shortly after my “doorway experience” with Taoist meditation on nothingness, I discovered the “esoteric Christian” teaching of “identity.” I eventually realized that it was indeed true. When our trinity is not one, that is, when “spirit,” “mind” and “body” are not co-synchronous (i.e. most of the time for most people), we all have many different “personality states,” in different circumstances. I will call each of these “personality states” “I-of-the-moments.” Each of us has literally hundreds of them. So the question arises, when we talk about the self, which “I-of-the-moment” are we talking about?
Each body has its own mind, of course. Some of these “I-of-the-moments” are dominated by the body, some are dominated by the “mind.” Some of them are quite nasty. However, it is not difficult to free ourselves from them once we recognize them in ourselves. A simple trick is to gather together enough “personality states” to say “this is not me” to our nasty one. In this way we can make progress by “working on ourselves,” simply by not allowing every thought or tendency to “declare itself as I.” Simply say “this is not me” to the nasty “I-of-the-moment” and it will disappear. This process will be accelerated when we allow our “conscience” to have its “voice.”
One difficult aspect of working to achieve unity in our trinity and thus know our Self is that our “spirit” is initially only a “sapling” of sorts, which generally does not “grow” at all, without “nourishment” and “exercise” that requires active effort. “Growth of the spirit” involves gradually gaining more and more control over the “body” and “mind.” For many of us, the “spirit” does not even begin to “grow” until our body is fully grown.
There are various ways to “exercise” and “nourish” your “spirit.” Meditation and contemplation of nature are both legitimate ways. But I focus on the process of “prayer,” because in my experience it is a far more powerful method.
By “prayer,” I mean the effort of the “spirit” to attune to and receive the “love of the Creator,” which “esoteric Christians” call the “ray of creation.” We can consider “the Love of the Creator” to be the “spiritual equivalent” of what “scientists” call “3K background radiation.”
Although “prayer” is a broad topic, I focus on what I am personally familiar with. One of the goals here is the ultimate spiritual transformation of the individual. Prayer must be controlled primarily by one’s “spirit.” This work teaches that there are intermediaries (Saints) who can and will (if you ask) assist you in the process of receiving “the love of the Creator.” The icons that are used for this purpose can be considered literally “spiritual technologies.” This work involves a long process of struggling with what is in you that stands in the way of your “prayer,” that is, what hinders your ability to tune in to and receive “the love of the Creator.”
The source of the “obstacle” is usually said to be “sin.” Of course, there are many different discussions about “sin.” I think it is unfortunate that it has become widely understood as a list of bad things to do. In my opinion, it is more accurate to say that one size does not fit all. The question is what in you is standing in the way of your “prayer.” By working against it and with “help from above,” you can free yourself from “sin,” so that your “prayer” and with it your “spirit” grows stronger and stronger.
The first step to taking an active interest in “prayer” and how it can guide your “self-inquiry” and ultimately “spiritual transformation” is to experience for yourself what it is like to tune into and receive “the love of the Creator.”
It takes a lot of self-exploration to determine what is “getting in the way of your prayer.” And this, of course, changes with time and effort, as the “prayer” becomes stronger. Here I suggest a very simple approach for people like you who are still skeptical about the very existence of the “love of the Creator.” In this case, it is important to at least achieve a “door experience,” when you get a sense of something new when you succeed in “prayer.” After that, by feeling, you recognize the “signal” that you are trying to discern among the “noise.” The main work here is this: as soon as we feel our “spirit,” we try to direct our attention there, turning off thoughts, saying “this is not me” to negative emotions and other thoughts. Then, when we feel that all the inner storm has calmed down, we ASK for the “love of the Creator,” for example, simply by sincerely saying “Lord, have mercy on me.”
A very simple way to achieve this “door experience” is to attend Orthodox liturgy, at least until the Lord’s Prayer is sung by all. In my case, I went once and never stopped. Don’t pay attention to the words spoken or the beliefs that inspire this endeavor yet. Just start by attending as a first “method of prayer” to inform your own self-examination. Everyone there is trying to pray and incorporate their “prayer” into their whole body, that is, to connect with “prayer.” Everyone there is struggling to conquer the things in themselves that “stand in the way of their prayer.” Go there and do the same. Struggle with your negativity. Just as in the meditation on nothingness, turn off your thinking. Remember the love you feel for your son, and try to feel the same for everyone else there in general, and in particular for anyone there to whom you have any negative reaction. This is, after all, an “exercise” for the “spirit.” So if you get bored, trace the source of that feeling to yourself (i.e., identify the “I of the moment” that is bored), and then force it to love instead (or at least tell it “it is not me”). This “method of prayer” will be effective even if you do not make the gestures, such as crossing yourself and bowing, that are made throughout the service. Although it should be noted that these gestures are very useful in helping to incorporate the “prayer” into your entire body.
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